Affirmations for a Committed Relationship

From Love to Live and Live to Love, ISBN 978-1-59526-866-2
by Ken Wear, copyright 2002

I am me; I am who I am. I have strived and learned and grown to become who I am today. And I will continue to strive and learn and grow and change as time and opportunities permit. I seek an inner harmony that allows me to feel good about myself. And I seek a clarity within myself of who and what I am as well as a clarity that presents to you a clear picture of who I am. If that creates crises for me, I know my best hope for constructive change starts with who I really am. And until I grow some more I am convinced that who I am now is better than anything else I can pretend to be.

My worth is a measure of my self-esteem and whether I am honest and clear and in harmony with my inner self. It is not dependent on the tightness of my association with you or even how well you like me. My words and deeds are directed first to being me, such as I am with my aspirations and frailties and strengths. I wish to consistently honor my insides; and each time I honor what I feel I heighten my own self-esteem.

In my commitment to you I accept that you must be you, that you are entitled to your own measure of your worth and self-esteem. It is my task to present myself as clearly and honestly and fully as possible with neither apology nor defense, and to express myself to you without judging or devaluing you, and without intruding on you. I will try to be honest with myself and with you. Honesty makes me avoid hiding myself from you to impress you or avoid impressing you, or to keep you from getting upset.

I realize you speak from a different accumulation of experiences and with a different vocabulary. I will try to see the common elements and understand in my way and in my words so we end up with a genuine understanding of each other.

I will hear what you say as a statement about you -- what you like, what you don’t like, what you need, what your limitations are -- rather than a statement about me. If you express disappointment, sadness, or anger, I can hear your expression in the context of who you are and who I am, rather than thinking I’ve failed you in some way.

I will try to be clear in stating my boundaries. I need to know your boundaries, and we may have to clear up differences in understandings of each other. It’s no gift to me for you to give me something or do something for me if you were resenting it all the while since resentments have a way of returning to haunt us. I will try to respond with respect for your boundaries and try to avoid interpreting them as ultimatums or unwillingness to cooperate with me or give to me; and I know what I want may not always be within your power to give.

I will look at differences and disagreements as opportunities for my growth and my understanding of you rather than as criticisms or judgments of me. I want to present my side of any disagreement as a statement about me and not as a judgment or criticism of you. I see myself as the source of my own worth and self-esteem and I realize you won’t always agree with what I say, do or think. If you tell me there is something you wish were different about me, I can hear and reflect on how you express yourself. I do care what you like and don’t like, but I still have to be me.

I will cooperate in understanding whatever emerges in our relationship or in our interactions so we each understand the other’s feelings openly, clearly and fully. All the issues don’t have to be immediately resolved or agreed upon for our relationship to be comfortable for both of us. Sometimes we may have differences that have no obvious solution, and it may hurt both of us, but that doesn’t have to be a catastrophe. If we don’t express and hear and understand our differences there is no way they can be resolved and we don’t want them to become emotional baggage.

I need to express my feelings and have them heard and understood because that will ease my hesitation in expressing myself and reduce any feelings I may have in the form of resentment, hurt, tenderness, sadness. When you hear me out I feel validated by your hearing and respecting my feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, and we both may not feel exactly the same way in response to any particular event.

There may be times when it is not even appropriate for you to comment on my feelings; I just want to share my feelings with you. The best response you can give me at those times is to try to understand and accept the fact that I feel as I do. In all fairness I will extend the same courtesies to you, and I will try to help you understand when a response is important and when listening is enough. I recognize that I am responsible for my own feelings; other people don’t “make me feel” anything. The way I interpret any occurrence, which then triggers a feeling, is internal within myself, and at times is difficult to control so I don’t end up with negative feelings.

I know deep inside that neither of us intends to hurt the other. I may hurt you because I do something that irritates or disappoints you. If I can change that without hurting me, I want to do that. If I can’t give you what you ask without hurting myself, I take responsibility for that, even though I know you’re disappointed. I know that if I hurt myself to give to you, I will resent it. And if you hurt yourself to give to me, you may resent it. And accumulation of resentments will harm our relationship. It is our purpose to nurture our relationship rather than harm it.

Our intent as a couple is to give all we can to each other. In my effort to be in harmony with you I may give up some things or do some things that are contrary to my wishes, if that seems important to you. I may request the same of you. But we need to reexamine our requests if complying will produce continuing, unresolvable, smoldering resentments. I can accept change and compromise, always within my boundaries and -- please understand and respect this -- without loss of my own self-esteem.

My love for you will always be in the forefront of my mind and will temper my every thought and deed. Even though I am who I am and must always be me.